Surviving an unsuccessful IVF cycle.
Have you just gone through one of the worst days of your life? Perhaps it is even a case of yet again! Experiencing an unsuccessful IVF cycle can be devastating for both partners and having several unsuccessful cycles doesn’t make it any easier. While the potential mother has experiences grief with the added dimension of her body going through changes, physical discomfort and even pain, the other half of the couple suffers no less grief with the added dimension of being an invested, but helpless observer.
The partner can feel impotent, useless and in the way while the potential mother can feel isolated and distraught. The loss can make you both question your worth, value, fertility, and place in society. It is important to differentiate between this as something that has happened to you and not something that is you. You are still you with all that defines you, though something bad has happened to you don’t let it define you.
Understanding and Accepting Your Emotions
Allow yourself to grieve! It is a loss after all, perhaps not of a physical person at this stage, but the loss of a dream and vision of the future that you were firmly invested in. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and frustration. Kübler-Ross identified 5 stages of grief which are generally still accepted today: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The complexities of emotions around grief regarding unsuccessful IVF often rest on feelings of guilt and loss of self-worth. You (both partners) need to give yourself time and permission to feel these emotions and to process them. This experience can drive you apart if you allow it, but it can also draw you incredibly close forging an even stronger bond. The other half of your couple is wading through their own pain and cannot read your mind so use statements like, ‘I am feeling …’ ‘What I need from you now is…’. Also ask, ‘What are you feeling?’ ‘What do you need from me?’ Lean on each other.
Avoid blame. An unsuccessful IVF cycle is not your fault. Many factors contribute to the outcome, and it’s important to avoid self-blame or blaming each other in any way. Look at the evidence, was there really anything you could have done better. If there is use the information for next time, but in all likelihood, there isn’t really much more that you could have done, so be as compassionate to yourself as you would be to some anyone else with the same problem.
Look for Support
Talk to someone. Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or counsellor can be very helpful. Obviously sharing thoughts, emotions and feelings with each other is important but talking to someone without a direct vested interest gives a new perspective. Sometimes, just having someone listen can make a big difference even if they can’t physically help in any way.
Consider joining support groups where you can fully realise that you are not alone. Like many other things IVF experiences are seldom discussed and shared especially if they are unsuccessful making people feel more isolated than they should be. It will surprise you how many people have been through the same kind of thing. Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can give you some comfort and understanding. There are online and in-person support groups available.
Reading about others who have gone through similar experiences and eventually either found success or acceptance can be encouraging. There are couples that have shared their journeys of resilience and hope after multiple failed IVF attempts in blogs and books.
Self-Care and Moving Forward
Take Care of Yourself. Make sure that you continue or resume activities that you enjoy and that help you relax. The healing power of spending time in nature cannot be underestimated but also include hobbies, exercise and spending time with friends and loved ones. It is easy to avoid social contact at times like this but talking about unrelated topics and having a good laugh can also be very therapeutic. It is about striking a balance between neither burying your emotions nor drowning in them. Don’t worry about getting it wrong either spending a whole day wallowing or alternatively just ignoring it, as long as it eventually evens out.
Plan for the future. When you feel ready, you, as a couple need to discuss your next steps which could include another round of IVF, alternative routes to parenting or accepting family life as a couple only. If you decide on another round of IVF you need to discuss the next steps with your doctor and if there are indeed any changes that might further improve your chances in future IVF cycles.
The most important part is to be kind to yourself and each other during this time. Healing is a process, so take it one day at a time.