Navigating the Storm: Coping with a Partner's Anger in Marriage

Disclaimer: This blog is intended for troubled relationships but not abusive ones. It is important to state before starting that no-one deserves physical violence regardless of what you have done. If there is any physical violence ensure your safety by calling your local emergency number (999 in the UK) and leave the premises if at all possible. Male victims of domestic violence find it particularly difficult to report but are as worthy of protection as any-one else. In the UK the emergency services contacted via 999 should refer you to emergency domestic violence support available in your area.

No marriage is perfect and each has its share of challenges. You are two imperfect halves trying to create a perfect whole, which can be done but it is not always the proverbial bed of roses. Especially when there have been previous long term relationships there will be baggage and triggers, some of which will be aware of and others will be less obvious, that can suddenly escalate and turn a small difference of opinion into an angry and emotional confrontation.

 It is important to set the expectation that you are two equal halves of one marriage. A long marriage is all about give and take with one taking the lead in some areas and the other in others. One sometimes has to carry the other through a tough patch knowing that the favour will be returned. But if you are not feeling of equal value for an extended period you are entering a danger zone.

Short periods of heightened emotion leading to irrational or disproportionate outbreaks of anger in times of extreme stress is not unusual, though it cannot be condoned. Sometimes you need handle your partner's anger with grace and compassion to get through a bad patch. The reality is that bad things do sometimes happen creating a lot of stress but constantly walking on eggshells for extended periods is not part of a healthy relationship.

Dealing with a partner's anger issues can be one of the most complex storms to navigate. It is normal for couples to disagree at times but emotions should generally be proportionate to the problem.  It is important that the partner carrying the anger into the relationship be aware of the triggers and try to get help working through them. While this is happening, coping with anger, that may seem disproportionate, in a healthy way is difficult.

The root cause anger is usually a symptom of deeper issues rather than the one expressed in the moment. It might come from stress, frustration, unmet needs, or past traumas. It is worth taking the time to try to understand what’s triggering your partner’s anger. It is important to keep open and non-judgmental communication focussing on the effect of the anger on others, rather than laying blame, to discuss and uncover these underlying causes.

Use active listening when your partner is angry by responding with empathy, giving them your full attention and acknowledging their feelings. They need to feel heard and valued. This can help de-escalate the situation.  

It’s easy to get swept up in your partner’s anger but try to stay as calm and composed as possible while still being authentic. Responding with your own anger will escalate the conflict. Being too calm making them feel frustrated that you cannot understand their frustration can be as bad so it is about validating their feelings but being sure not to be reactionary. Try to find that middle ground where you authentically express your dismay at their anger and even express that your own anger is mounting but try to remain calm and composed enough to a approach the situation with a level head. Try to authentically but calmly express your position to help create a constructive environment for resolving the issue.

While it is important to be supportive you also need to protect your own well-being so set healthy boundaries. You should not be subjected to verbal or emotional abuse which will eventually break your mental wellbeing down. Keep to your boundaries while letting your partner know what behaviour is unacceptable to you.

Get professional help if your partner displays long term anger issues. Couples counselling could give you a safe space to work through the issues and your partner could tackle  the source of their anger with the help of a therapist and develop healthier coping strategies.

Focus on positive communication. All good relationships rest on effective communication. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always angry,” try saying, “I feel hurt when we argue” shifting the focus to the impact of the conflict.

Coping with a partner’s anger can be emotionally draining so practice self-care including engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. It could be spending time with friends, practicing mindfulness, or pursuing a hobby, but self-care is essential for maintaining your emotional health.

It is easy to focus on the immediate conflict. Take a step back and reflect on the bigger picture of your relationship. Remember the love and commitment that brought you together, and use this as motivation to work through the challenges.

You both need to foster emotional intelligence. This involves being aware of your own emotions, understanding your partner’s emotions, and managing your reactions in a healthy way which can help both of you to navigate conflicts more effectively.

Every bit of progress, no matter how small, is a victory for your relationship. Recognize and celebrate the progress your partner makes and you as a couple make in managing anger outbursts and resolving conflicts.

Every marriage has challenges, but with patience, understanding, and commitment, you can navigate the stormy seas of anger and emerge stronger than ever. Your relationship is worth the effort, and by working together, you can create a harmonious and loving partnership.